Desert Island Trump

 

Desert Island Thrump

: A Short Story

I awoke with a snap. The sun beat down and my tongue and throat were dry. My surroundings immediately were obvious. It was an island of about 30 foot across with a palm tree in the centre and waves gently rolling around it. The exact sort as seen on a postcard where two survivors might exchange a joke.

There was, apart from the tree, no vegetation, no animals and the sea stretched in all directions with no land in sight.

Lying like a beached whale a few feet away was an obese man in his seventies. He wore a suit that was ill-fitting and encompassed his bloated swollen body. A red tie draped onto the wet sand of prodigious length from his wrinkled neck. His skin was the colour of a satsuma and the texture of one. He emitted snoring sounds from a pursed pouting mouth which seemed stuck in an expression of hatred of all things. His eyes were sunk and surrounded by grey flesh and his head almost entirely bald with patches of long bleached hair straggling randomly from areas around the back and sides.

I eased myself up and called over.

“Hey! Hey!”

The wet-suited lump didn’t respond. He seemed to be in the throes of sleep apnoea and unintelligent sounds occasionally spurted out.

I walked over. “HEY!” I called.

“ What the fuck,” he blurted as he woke and with great effort sat upright on the sand.

“What’s happened? Where are we? Who are you? I asked in rapid succession.

The lump looked around him. “I fell asleep…we in Mar e Largo…again….”?

“I don’t know where that is”, I said; “We are on an island…I don’t know how or why”

The orange man looked about him. “HUH? What…. Someone’s gonna pay for this…”. His voice was slurry and had a wheedling tone, one however laced with fear and anger in equal parts.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out an iPhone.

“That’s probably ruined,” I said.

He took no notice and started tapping on the screen.

“I know about phones” he retorted, Nobody knows more about phones than me”

I watched him as he pressed everything on the phone several times his orange face getting a shade of red under the layer of what appeared to be some sort of ridiculous choice of spray tan.

“ This isn’t working…Cheap piece of shit” he said, “Who’s responsible for giving me this..”

I scratched my chin. “Its water damaged”.

“I knew that already, that’s what I said, I said Its water damaged, everyone knows”.

“I’m Jim,” I said and held out a hand.

He held out a very small hand with fat stubby fingers in response and I took it. Immediately he tried to grip it as tight as he possibly could. It caught me off guard for a moment, but I very quickly realized that he was playing some childish “dominance” handshake used by immature kids in a playground, which annoyed me. I perhaps shouldn’t have stooped to his level perhaps, but, I’m a mechanic and not an important public figure, so whoever this guy was, I decided to play along right back. I crushed the stubby fingers twice as tight and his face twisted in discomfort and only some great, indeed bigly ego seemed to prevent him from howling in pain. He tried pulling my arm so that I was jerked towards him but I just pulled back twice as hard and overpowered the unfit septuagenarian, locking his arm out straight till I let him go.

“Pleased to meet you, I’m Jim”.

“Where're the guys? Where're my guys?”

“I don’t know, I’m in the dark as much as you are..” I said. “What’s your name?”

He stared at me. “What? What do you mean…You don’t know me”?

I looked at him hard. Couldn’t place him.

“Umm no, why …should I”?

“I’m the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES” he shouted going a deeper shade of orange.

“ I don’t follow politics much,” I said, “but that seems a little far fetched…”

“Help me up” he demanded.

I was surprised at the rude attitude, but he was an old man, clearly in shock, and palpably incapable of standing on his own.

I'm a nice enough guy, so I, with great effort, tried helping him to his feet. It was a struggle, the guy was easily 290 lbs, but he put some effort into it himself and thirty seconds later, both of us out of breath, he was standing like a drowned Muppet on the sand.

“Give me a coke,” He said.

“I haven’t got any,” I said, “I don’t even have water….Perhaps we...

“I said a Coke, and Ice-cream, Two scoops…I’m parched”

“Sorry”, I said, “You must have misheard me…”

He wasn’t looking at me, he was punching the stubby fingers on the iPhone. “What's wrong with this thing?” he snarled.

Chapter 2

His name was Donny, although he called himself “The Donny” and sometimes he would talk of himself in the third person, in the same way as a person with an acute relapse of schizophrenia does at their most severe stage. “Thrump is going to get that coconut” or “I can tell you, Donny Thrump can build the best rafts…its easy, so easy, nobody builds rafts like Donny Thrump. Believe me” he would say. Then repeat it twice more before not building a raft.

This is the story of my time on what Donny called “Thrump Island”. It was about the third day that he drew large letters in the sand, next to my “SOS” message that said “THRUMP ILAND”. He hadn’t enough space to write it in the sand so he scrubbed out my distress message. “Look at that” he simpered. “Its golden letters in golden sand. It’s beautiful. Tremendous”.

I shrugged. I thought back to the first day and how far I had come to normalizing our situation. It seems that no matter how insane a situation you find yourself in, you still have to eat and sleep and piss. It’s a case of making the best of a bad job, even when the situation seems unbearable. That’s how far I had to travel to normalize this situation. Everyone does it at some point I suppose. It’s a defence mechanism.

The first day we were on Thrump ILAND Donnie stomped around shouting for “his people” and unfortunately took off his suit hanging it up to dry on the tree after dropping it on the floor and telling me to do it. After wincing at the spectacle, I smiled, shrugged and carried on pondering how I had ended up in this situation. Donny figured out he would have to hang them up himself and after an hour of trying managed to drape them ineffectively over a branch.

“This suit…” he confided, “This suit…it’s the best…its over $300000, someone told me $400000…. can you believe it?”

“No,” I said. It didn’t look like an expensive suit and suits probably couldn’t cost that much.

“I'm rich you see, I'm very, very rich, that’s the best thing about me, I’m so Incredibly rich…I’m number 3 on Forbes, world richest …so rich” He smiled his first smile. It was a toothy cheesy smile of a car salesman who has spotted a 17-year-old kid wanting to make their first purchase.

“OK,” I said.

“Some people are born rich, but I'm self-made, he said, I had a small loan of a Million Dollars from …from him…my…my fa…my father….”

“ Cool,” I said and started digging a trench in the sand to use as a shelter.

“ I was born in Queens…” He started

“Where’s that”? I asked.

“”Queens! QUEENS! New York! The USA! My Dad was born in Germany, a little town calle…a wonderful town”

“Oh, right. I thought you had an American accent” I said without much interest.

“Yeah. I LOVE America”

“Never been,” I said. “What’s the best thing about it?”

“I love the FLAG! He grinned “that beautiful tremendous Flag…I love to hug it. I really do. I hug the flag”

“Sounds important to you….” I muttered. “What colour is it?”

“Its Tremendous, the best flag. It's White with Red and Blue Stripes, its got loads of stars on it, about sixty stars. This Island will be the sixty-sixth”.

I wasn’t following him, but he was getting carried up in a great passion. “ When people disrespect the flag they disrespect me because I’m America. They burn the flag you know…gays, liberals, those ladymen, Commies. Not bad commies, I have some tremendous commie friends. I fell in love with one, the leader of North Korea, He's a great character, Great guy. You gotta hand it to him, controlling a country so young….we fell in love. Beautiful letters. I mean those bad hombre commies like Trudeau and Merkle. She's a Nazi. Like a bad Nazi, not the good Nazis like the KKK. They love me. Fine people. Fine people. The best. The best. I don’t support them. They’re the best.”

I had lost what he was saying in the incoherent ramble, but it helped provide a kind of background noise to my digging and I had a hole 4 ft deep 8ft long and 4 ft wide. I climbed out of it and started building up the sides.

“ So, when they kneel before the flag, they are the worst commies. I just wanna punch them, smack, right in the mouth. You second amendment people…maybe you know what to do? Athletes. I'm an Athlete. Is that the same as an atheist? I'm a Christian. I forgive the gods. Two Corinthian.” He nodded. “second best book ever, the Bible. I wrote “art of the deal”.

I wiped my hands.

Donnie smiled and started to put his suit back on. His body was pale grey like his eyes and I realised that the staining of orange was limited to his face, like a toddler who had played dress-up with his mum's makeup.

“Oh say can you see!” He started to sing “By the dawns early light…..”

“What so proudly we mmm, in the mmm, mm last mmm mm,

whose broad stripes and bright stars, in the mmm mm mm mm,

we proudly so watched were mmm mm mm mm mm mm

AND THE ROCKETS RED GLARE! THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR,

Gave MMM MMMMMMM MMM that our Flag was MMMMM MMM

OH SAY DOES THAT STAR SPANGLED BANNER UMM WAVE,

OVER THE MM MM MM FREE!

AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE”

He suddenly held his hand over where his heart should have been, then dropped it down like his bought trophy wife had flicked it away.

“Beautiful Words”! He said. “The BEST”

Chapter 3

It was getting dark.

“Michael…Give me your phone”.

“I’m Jim. I cant. It's dead.”

“I need to tweet this”

“Phones dead”

“well write it down then”

“I'm Busy”

Thrump grew red. “Look. I had a deal with you when I took you on, but you are not loyal…you're fired”

“I'm not your employee”

“I'm giving you a order as Your President"

“You’re not my President, and it doesn’t work like that, If you were, you would be MY employee”

“You Dems always say that. I WON. BIGLY. I’m your President”

“I’m English”

“Where’s that?”

I took out a convenient map of the world I had in my jeans.

“Here,” I said.

“Is that in Africa? Shithole country?”

“No, It's European. It's part of the UK.”

“The UK! I know that! Its Britland!, I have so many Brits that love me. They begged me to come over, what could I do? What could I do? Long time since I been to Asia. I know all the best places. Nobody does maps better than me. I Bombed Iraq”

I looked at him. "Where's Iraq on here”?

“I don’t need to show you. This is North Korea” He said, “I know that”. He pointed at New Zealand with incredible confidence. "Little rocket man, he’s fat. He’s my best friend. Respect him.”

His eyes wandered away…

“OK, where’s Russia”? I said.

“NO COLLUSION” he shouted, They can't prove anything! FAKE NEWS SIT DOWN” he ordered ineffectively.

“So, Where’s Russia? I repeated offering him the map.

“I don’t know Russia, don’t know anything about it. Never met Putin. Who’s Putin, I have so much property there. I never built anything there. I believe Putin. The CIA? FBI? NSA? They are the deep state. Alex Jones told me. I bought his Brain Food tablets. I'm smart now. Bigly smart. Good genes see? The best. Tremendous. I'm a very stable genius. Love to all the losers and haters who can't be as smart as me. ”

“OK,” I said and folded the map.

“London. That’s in Scotland. The Mayor? He’s a loser. Muslim. It’s a blood bath there. So violent. The Hospitals are war zones”

“I live in London,” I said.

“ So much violence from the Muslims….” Said Thrump. “ You guys need guns. You know you can't buy guns in Britainland? Can’t buy guns? How sick is that? Sick. Can you believe it?”

“I heard the USA had a gun problem”

“Yeah, Not enough guns,” Thrump said. “ If the schoolteachers had guns, then there would be no shootings, None. The shooters, they are Muslims. Cowards. I’m Brave. If I heard shooting, I would run into a school and tackle them without a gun, but if we had a gun in each classroom, how safe would that be….”

“A ridiculous massacre every week?” I offered.

“…So safe…. TRAINED teachers, all packing guns….second amendment….freedom.” He continued aimlessly. “Maybe those second amendment people might like to show Hilary, eh? Just saying…not supporting killing her…just saying”

I looked at him squarely.

“Imagine, you’re at a game right? A baseball game? Right, twenty thousand people OK? And this Muslim comes in with a gun…. how long will he last if twenty thousand armed patriots all open fire with Bump Stocks and AR 15’s….Common sense” he said tapping his bald skull, “common sense”. He nodded in confirmation of his logical prowess.

“Guns don’t kill,” he said after I placed the large fronds over the shelter.

I climbed into the shelter and lay down. Thrump started to clamber down.

I shook my head. “This is a British Shelter,” I said. “Britain first”.

I closed my Eyes.

Chapter 4

Day 2

I woke in the shelter. The immediate cramp of hunger announced itself.

Food. Yes, that was the priority. I levered myself out.

Thrump was lay on the beach, his iPhone in his hand, snoring. He had been attempting to text an order for cofvefe in the early hours but of course, that failed.

I looked about. A coconut was hanging off the tree. That would if things went well, be breakfast. Lunch seemed uncertain.

I started shimmying up the tree but had difficulty climbing.

Thrump opened his eyes and watched in curiosity and amusement.

“Heh! Lemme tell you, Limey, You can't get up that tree. Its gotta be TEN feet tall. Nobody can scale something ten feet tall.”. He waved his hands around like he was playing the accordion. “ I built a wall, a beautiful, powerful tremendous wall, continuous and of re-barred concrete, three thousand miles long…somebody said ten thousand, can you believe it? Mexico paid for it, and when they didn’t, I made it ten feet higher. It goes from coast to coast. It is an emergency. I already built it. It is only going to cost 1.7 Billion. 2 Billion. 5 Billion. Twenty billion. Sixty Billion. Someone told me, everyone knows. I shut down the government to make Americans pay for it. I stopped Immigration. We need a wall. They are coming over in an invasion, rapists and good people, they are Bad Hombres, I love Mexicans, Mexicans love me, they bring drugs. I'm moving troops to the border. We are so safe now. We are in danger. It's an emergency. I don’t have to do it, I just want to. I want it made transparent , from steel. It’s a fence. Fences are walls. I don’t care. Call it the Thrump Wall. Who knows. We’ll see. “He continued “Stops them dead. Ten feet Tall”.

I brought down the coconut.

“So, Forgive me for saying, but all that sounded a smidge racist,” I said.

Thrump held his arms out wide in theatrical amazement and incredulity. “Racist? WRONG!!! I Love the blacks! Look at my black guy here! Where is he? OK, he's not here. I love them. They come here, can you blame them, living in shithole countries, why can't they come from Norway? They speak, some of them, they speak perfect English, can you believe it? Amazing.” He nodded and looked about for support. “Shithole rapists, and some of them are good people” he said. “Love them”. He thought for a moment….”The KKK are fine people”.

I used a stone on the coconut but to little effect. Thrump laughed. “You don’t know coconuts, I Know coconuts, not the racist thing…I know coconuts. Nobody knows them like me”

I passed him the coconut. “That’s a relief then. I must say, you seem multitalented. I am picking up though, you might need to work on your humility?”

“I am the MOST HUMID, I say, The Most Humid. Everyone says so. Nobody…NOBODY is more humility than me. I’m the most humiliating man in the world. Perhaps EVER”.

“I need to get this open”, I said looking around me and went to a rock and started rubbing the shell on a sharp ridge.

Thrump stood behind me.

“We’re going to eat THAT”? He said with disapproval.

“That’s the plan,” I said.

“I eat Hamburders. Good American Hamburders. I once shipped in 300 Hamburders or 1000 out of my own money for a sports team”.

“Sure, OK,” I said, “but this is the only food on this island and it is one coconut”.

“And chocolate cake, I once was with the Japanese Prime Minister and there was this beautiful… the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you have ever seen…and the guys came up to me and I bombed Iraq”

“Syria”

“I bombed Syria. That’s what I said”, he corrected me.

“At least we can drink the milk inside…” I said.

“I take my Cofvefe with milk…” said Thrump.

I nodded. There didn’t seem to be a point in asking what that was.

Chapter 5

I had eaten the flesh of the coconut. Thrump tried some but spat it out in disgust. The shell I broke into shards and began turning one into a tool, grinding the edge to a sharp blade.

“This is shit,” said Thrump. I love steaks. I do the best juiciest mouth-watering steaks, and you are not going to believe how they taste. My restaurants only accept the very BEST. That’s why they were the top restaurants in the world before environmental health closed them down in 2012 for containing parasites”.

“This is a disaster…” I sighed at the situation.

“ A disaster we were left with,” said Thrump. “Obamas fault. For eight years he left the people of this island and did nothing. I am the best at disasters.”

“I can believe that,” I said.

“Believe it!” said Thrump. “Look at Puerto Rico. Its pronounced Peuuuurrrrto Riccco, like that…..I had water and electricity going in the same week can you believe it? I couldn’t do it because there was water. BIG water. It’s an island. I told their governor that.” He nodded slowly. “Water is wet. The big wet”.

He looked around him. “This could be a great golf course..” he mused. “Dig a hole here”.

“No,” I said…and quickly afterwards to stop the inevitable, I added, “I don’t work for you”.

“ I’ve built so many things,” Thrump said with pleasure. “Many, many things. I build all over the world”.

“You could build a shelter”? I suggested.

“ I am doing,” he said, “Its already done and its FIFTY foot high, this is PRIME real estate and the best land. I know how to get the best land”.

A plane appeared on the horizon. I quickly stood up and waved wildly, leaping around the beach.

“A PLANE!” I whooped, “Quick, scrub out that nonsense and write SOS”

“I know planes,” said Thrump, “ I fly on Air Force 1, you know how much that thing costs”? he said somewhat rhetorically. “4 billion dollars. 4 billion. I said I would cut that by a billion and you know how much it costs now”?

I screamed and waved my arms running along the beach.

“4 Billion,” He said proudly. “Amazing”.

“I have an air force. I know the best military, more than my generals. Like when the USAF carried out these exercises with South Korea? They fly from the Philippines and they fly 1000 miles, 3000 miles, then they fly back…Incredible waste of money. I stopped that. We don’t exercise with the South Koreans now. They gave me a Nobel Peace Prize for that…”.

The plane vanished into the distance. I sobbed and fell to my knees.

Chapter 6

I sat with my back against the tree. I was looking at the crumpled picture that had survived water damage of my family. My wife and two children on that day at the theme park. Would I ever see them again? I choked back the rising lump in my throat.

“Whoah! Nice rack. She’s a solid 9.”

I looked up at him. “This is my family”

“Hey, I get it, friend. Family is everything to me too. I have a great family. My …father….He was a Brothel owner and ran casinos, I’ve got kids too and a hot wife. So hot. I got her from Slovinka or whatever…real exotic..she was in porn…” He announced proudly, his puckered pout turning into a leering smile.

“We’ve been married 30 years,” I said.

“Thirty? Heh! I’ve been married THREE times! Three! Can you believe it? Each one was hotter than the last. They love me, what can I say? I'm attracted to beautiful, I don’t even wait, I see a beautiful girl and I just move on them like a bitch…grab them by the pussy…you can do anything”.

I pocketed the photo. “Look “the Donny”, let's do something of use. This isn't helping”.

“And Kids... I’ve got kids too. SMART kids. There’s Donny Jr. He’s my boy. He’s absolutely ruthless. So proud of him. Then there is Ivanka, I mean HOT! I would date her. We have sex in common. She's a 10, always has been, even when she was a kid on my knee. Before I bought her new tits. Works so hard. So very hard. She wrote a book to explain to women how they should work as hard as her. It made her millions! Millions! Can you believe it?

Then there’s Eric. …Yeah, Eric. And that’s it. I don’t have no more kids than that. Oh and Barron. I had him with Melanie or whatever she’s called. The porn star…The latest porn star. Not the one I paid hush money to…the latest porn star that I married. That one. Melania. That’s it. All great, apart from Mary the neice...shes nasty...but whoah, she's stacked”.

“I have to get off this island or I’m never going to see them again,” I said. We need to figure out where we are. Where's my map”?

I got the map of the world out and checked my watch. Set for GMT London Time, it was 11 AM, but the sun was dipping and it had to be around 8pm since we were in March. That put us in the timezone +10 or –15. That was either the Pacific Ocean level with eastern Australia or the central Pacific. Not much help.

“”The best thing about family is loyalty. They are the only ones who won't screw you over. You can trust family. Apart from wives.” Thrump said. “The boys are good wholesome people. They shot a Leopard last year. One of the last ones. Can you believe it? Finding a leopard? Real men! Real men!”

He looked genuinely and honestly proud as punch at this. “Like in the old days..out in the wild west, kinda like this here. Survival.”

I was trying to remember what I could of constellations but I never really studied them, so waiting for night to see the stars probably wouldn’t help.

“Do you know anything about stars, The Donny?”

“Stars? Of course, Stars are my speciality…” He beamed.

“Thank goodness…”I said. “Which constel…?”

“I made LOADS of stars, all of them, so many. I had a reality TV show called The Apprentice. Uge ratings. Uge. The ratings tanked after I left. I created so many stars.”

“I meant The Universe” I snapped. “STARS”

“Yeah, Miss Universe, I owned that. Hot chicks, amazing, beautiful. Real young. 15 or 16. I could just walk right in when they changed. I was the owner see? The pageant used to have these chicks who went on to be doctors and stuff, but I told Howard I wasn’t bothered by that. We had to have The Beautiful. Not like that one who put on weight…Miss Piggy I called her…heh…such great times”

The sun dipped over the horizon and a chill came in the air. “Its getting cold,” I said.

Thrump whooped with triumph. “Hell yeah, that’s EXACTLY right. They told me that there’s this global warming, but there are two sides to it. I mean it's hot and it's cold right. So how can it be cold if there’s global warming? They say it's going to destroy our way of life and change the whole planet, but that’s only 99.3% of scientists, and let me tell you. I'm smart right, like INTELLIGENT, I went to Wharton. Good college. I know when it's cold and we could do with a little of that old fashioned global warming right now”. The Best Grades! The BEST! So great that I asked the principle last year to hide them. Gave him a good deal”.

I stared at him. Jaw open.

He nodded in appreciation of my acceptance of his genius. “Yeah. I heard it from good people. Good people.”

“You’re a fucking genius,” I said.

“A VERY STABLE GENIUS” he enunciated. VERY…STABLE …GENIUS.

Chapter 7

“I doubt they are coming”, I said aloud. I didn’t know if anyone knew we were missing.

I had turned my shirt into a kind of net and was sweeping the shallows trying to catch fish.

“ If we can catch one, It will get us by for a day or two.,” I said, not particularly to Thrump.

He was dishevelled now. His straggly hair hanging in patches from his bald head, his orange dye faded in clumps adding to his clown-like face.

“I can sell this story when I get back.” He pouted. “Get an amazing, tremendous deal. I make the best deals” he added confidently. “I wrote a book that was number 1 in the Failing New York Times best-seller list, well it wasn’t failing then. That was before it attacked me. Then it failed. Fake news. So Fake, Everyone knows it. They want to Impeach me! How can you Impeach the best president that there’s ever been? The Best economy? The Best Blacks? The Best Military. I lowered the deficit and gave money to the poor. That’s all real. I did it. Amazing….I’m a politician…who knew??”

“Don’t know, don’t care?” I said.

“The Media is so fake. Enemy of the people. Enemy of the American people. They should shut up and sit down and enjoy liberty.

I stopped press conferences and banned people who told lies about me. Well, they were true, but they didn’t know that at the time, so that makes THEM the liars…doesn't it?”

I caught a fish, and whooped “YES!”

“That’s right, Yes!” He said. “I'm Making America GREAT again! Draining the Swamp. Building the wall. With the Best People. My Daughter, her Husband. Mad Dog. Roger Stone. Michael Cohen. Paul Manofort, Lying Ted, Betsy Dunno….Fine people. Like Nazis are fine people. Unbelievable eh?”

“Absolutely. Unbelievable”, I confirmed.

I was cooking the fish.

“Make sure there’s plenty of fries with mine, and hurry it up,” said Thrump.

I turned the fish on the fire.

“People used to laugh at the USA. They laughed and laughed at us. They are not laughing now”. Thrump said proudly.

“China, Button, Nipple, all those other countries, which I know, all of them, they laughed. Is anyone laughing now at the USA? Like the UN? I spoke in front of the UN. They didn’t laugh. Well, they laughed with me, because I wanted them to. And Australia, and Denmark and China laughed. But they are shithole countries. Can you imagine anyone laughing now?”

“ Yes,” I said, “and they do, on tape, openly….”.

“ Fake News!” Thrump said.

“I suppose that being Commander in Chief of the worlds largest stockpile of nuclear weapons must be a great responsibility,” I said absent-mindedly.

“Tremendous!” said Thrump. “The Nuclear, it’s the POWERFUL, its something called “Uranium”? Who knew? There are some BAD people and they do a lot of BAD things with Nuclear. My Nuclear is the bigly. I told Kim that. He’s my friend, the little rocket man? He’s got nukes. Game changer. Fire and Fury like the world has never seen. It used to be hand to hand. I told him I would never call him fat. Great character. Great guy. We have a beautiful relationship. I don’t think he tortured and killed Americans. I believe him. The US Intelligence Agencies are fake news”

I looked at him in the sallow eyes. “So what part of the Nuclear Triad is your focus”? I asked directly.

“It's so important, Really important to me. My Uncle, He was at MIT, he told me the Nuclear is the game changer. I asked my generals “why can't we use nukes here?” I know more than them”.

“So what part of the Nuclear Triad is your focus”?

“The destruction is just so important to me”. He looked earnest. Then waved his hands.

This desert island stay would be a long one. I ate the fish.

“Give me mine,” said Thrump

“Catch your own”

“I will give you ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS for it,” He said confidently. “I'm so incredibly rich, my tax returns say so”

“Catch your own,” I said.

Chapter 8

Thrump was sat looking at a pool.

“No meat on this island”, he said.

“well, there may have been once” I said whilst working on the raft. “must have died out”

Thrump got up and started swinging a stick. “I haven’t played golf in…. hours” he mused. “You know, I changed the endangered species laws…if I hadn’t, we wouldn’t have been able to shoot tigers”

“That’s pretty tremendous” I said, unconsciously picking up his speech patterns. He used a vocabulary of about 500 words I had established.

“I also changed the laws so mentally ill people could get guns easier. We needed background checks. Take their guns first then due process later. We already have strong background checks. No need for them…second amendment…I’m so strong on that…I will look into background checks…maybe we can finally make it happen….21 is too young to own a gun…we need to make the age about twenty one”

“OK” I said and lashed another branch to the raft base. I need to calculate how much buoyancy was needed for either 170 lbs or 480 lbs. Thrump had starved somewhat and his trousers were constantly falling down.

“I’m the Chosen one, you know” he beamed. He looked to the sky and held out his hands. ”Someone said I'm the King of the Jews and the second coming of Christ”, he stood up and shook his head…”Wow…, that’s …Wow…That guy knew what he was saying. He was the guy who predicted that Obama would kill us all on behalf of Bilderburg. And he did. We all died. He also said my dick is bigger than Muller's. Thrump’s trousers dropped to the sand, his fat apron obscuring completely his one and a half inch long shrivelled mushroom shaped manhood. “See? See? “ he said pointing at his distended gut, “No problems in that department…Big hands…big…you know…” he grinned waving his stumpy undersized hands.

“I have good friends like him. Roger Stone. He’s cool. Jeff Epstein. He was a fun guy. Everyone knew him, I chatted at orgies with him, likes em young…like a Miss Universe 16 year old….I never met him. Don’t know the guy”

“You know Thrump” I said wearily. “I lived through some dangerous times, scary times…When someone starts pretending they are a chosen one….That's even scarier.”

“ Get him outa here!” Thrump sneered and gestured to an invisible Secret service man, “get him outta here.. go back to mommy…someone oughta punch him in the face….I’m against violence…we have to stop violence…rough him up……I am very peaceful…..”

“Can you actually hear yourself”? I said

“ I made the world safe. Hilary would have destroyed the planet in a nuclear war.” his voice quavered.

“ For the whole of the eighties, all those useless politicians from Russia and the USA did all those talk things…START and SALT… Took YEARS! YEARS! I scrapped them without anyone noticing. Now we can make more nukes. Big , powerful Tremendous Nukes. My Nukes are so big…”.

“OK. How many nukes are enough”? I asked.

“We have become so weak. We are so powerful. Our Military is being laughed at. We have the greatest military in the world… Beautiful…beautiful nukes….Uranium. We had no ammunition and the generals said “Sir, Sir, Mr President Sir” I said “What is it General?” they said “Sir, Sir..Mr President Thrump, Sir...We’ve got no ammunition, Sir”, and I said “Cant happen..and I got them new Fighters, like you’ve never seen before. New fighters like the F35 and F18”.

“Hornets are 40 year old and the F35 was ordered in 2003” I pointlessly said, “But the US Military was getting much more progressive, inclusive to women and LGBT”.

Thrump stood glowing orange on the beach.

“Gays have jobs?” He shook his head. “I want the DoJ to get the Gays removed from discrimination protection. I Love the Gays. I’m the Best LGBT president ever. Good friend to LGBT people. I herby announce they cant serve in the military. Or have Wedding Cakes. ……

I love Chocolate cake… Beautiful Chocolate cake like when I fired missiles at Iraq..or whatever it was….”

The horizon grew dark.

“Hurricane coming” I said.

“A category 5! Nobody ever heard of a category 5. Never been such a wet..big wet…comes from the sky…I got it!!…Why don’t we NUKE it?”

I dropped my tool. “For FUCKS sake …start behaving like an adult, You cant nuke a fucking Hurricane”

“My people are looking into it….Its heading right for us. BIG WET.”

I looked at the Storm.

“Its moving away. Not coming for us” I reassured him.

“FAKE!” He screamed. “Here’s a Map” and started scrawling on the ground a weird misshapen unrecognisable map with a thick Sharpie pen , with his signature on it. “Its MOVING TOWARDS ALABAMA” he cried. Tears burst from him.

Eight days later, after screaming at the long gone storm, Thrump smiled and said “I was right…It WAS coming at us”.

Chapter 9

Trump was reading from a scrap of paper in his hand.

“I Hereby discriibe the developement of the rediculous leighweight witchhunt at me and my smocking wife Melanie by liddle’ politicions. NOT profesional. It's chocker ful of lies & shady daels started by Barrack Obama and other politicions, focusing on polices. I councel it to stop”

“Perfect conversation”. He said. “Beautiful. Very innocent. Amazing conversation. A 10.

“So why so upset if its perfect”?

“It never happened, but if it did, it was absolutely fine. I tried hiding it in a secret file, but a spy whistle-blew it on me. You know what they used to do with spies when we were smart?

“Nuke them?” I said.

Trump’s Jaw dropped…..”Are you stupid? You can’t Nuke them! You shoot them. Like you shoot dead any Immigrants who throw stones”.

“That’s Illegal” I said.

“You are trying to make me look stupid” Trump stupidly said. “Shoot them in the legs then…slow them down….”

I had lashed together some of the raft at this time and took a breather against it.

“That would be also illegal” I said.

“Well put flesh piercing spikes on the wall….dig a moat and fill it with Alligators….and Snakes….”.

“With laser beams on their head”? I said.

“You are trying to make me look stupid…what kind of lunatic would put lasers on a snake”? Trump said. “You’re a JOKE, I'm talking about very real defence measures that are VITAL, and you are talking about nonsense…”

“There isn't any immigrant threat here”. I pointed out. “We are on a fucking island”.

“I had a perfect conversation…I never asked Ukraine to look into Biden. Maybe Ukraine if your listening, look into Biden. Here’s a transcript of what I just said…China ought to look into him too.

See I never said that. I just said it”.

I looked at the clouds moving overhead. “Winds picking up, lets see if we can collect some rain” I offered, seeking some way to work together.

“I never understood wind. You know, I know windmills very much. But they’re manufactured tremendous — if you’re into this — tremendous fumes. Gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right? So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything. You talk about the carbon footprint — fumes are spewing into the air. Right? Spewing. Whether it’s in China, Germany, it’s going into the air. It’s our air, their air, everything — right?” Donald waved his hands like he was playing an accordion and then touched the tips of his stubby index finger to his thumb. He looked through his sallow piggy eyes staring out from dead grey pits surrounded by bright orange make-up. “Believe me”, he said.

Chapter 9

The days seemed to last forever. Every day Thrump would lay in a bed that I had eventually made for him, and in place of tweeting , he would shout out every twenty minutes something that popped into his head. “DOING BETTER THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE. ISLAND RUNNING PERFECT. (BECAUSE OF ME).

“Do you remember the pandemic in 2020” I asked. “That was a difficult time for everyone”.

Thrumps eyes narrowed. “Nobody told me about it, The Chinese covered it up, they were very open and transparent and did a great job and I congratulated President Xi, they gotta be held accountable, he handled it really well, deceived people...they worked really hard...was great working with them”.

I put down the rain collecting spout I had crafted. “That makes zero sense...you are making zero sense”.

Trump stood up, leaning forward in the stance I had seen him do so many times. He would often look like he was about to topple over especially when walking down a shallow gradient where he required help. He snorted his nasal snort and reached for another pack of UK prescription Sudofed (A crate of this had washed up a few days back and he was delighted, popping about thirty capsules a day).

“I acted really early to the HOAX. I call it...I call it lots of names….The CHINESE virus, the WUHAN virus...Covid...Covid 19...where does the 19 come from?...nobody knows...”.

“Its from the date of onset, 2019” I said.

“Nobody knows...and other names….”

There was a long pause….

A silence.

“There are other names….”.

“OK , what?” I stared at him.

“KUNG FLU I hear you just said? Yeah, some people say that….”.

And they say to wear masks, but its a RECOMMENDATION...only a recommendation...I’m not wearing one, I cant see me wearing one, meeting Dictators behind that great Resolute Desk. People wear them to disapprove of me. Masks are about slavery and death. Its sending the wrong message. I’m all for masks. I wore one today. Wear a mask. I like wearing them. I look like the Lone Ranger”.

I shook my head.“I wore a mask from the first day it was announced” I said. “The virus was awful. Killed so very many. A horrible horrible death”.

“Its a HOAX. Its just the flu. Sniffles. We have 15 cases and they are all getting better. In good shape. Its going to go away very soon, by April, it just disappears, like a miracle, its gone...and we tested millions, nobody ever saw anything like it, best testing in the world...”.

He drew in a huge sniff. “And the more tests the more cases, if you don’t test you don’t get a case...I said to my people SLOW….DOWN ...THE ….TESTING…..My people said I was kidding. I never Kid.”

“OK,” I said. “If you don’t attend exams, are you suddenly a genius?

“I payed for those exams...good money”.

I nodded.

“But we test and there's cases, but its like only 0.001% of people die , and they are old”.

I flared a little, “You had the highest cases per capita in the world. Almost always the highest death rate. Other nations with millions of people had single digit deaths. You had more deaths than all wars since WW2 TWICE OVER”.

He stepped back and waved his arms. “Excuse me...Excuse me...That's a nasty question. That's so nasty. Why cant you be NICE. Your a terrible person. Get him out of here...I'd like to punch him in the face.” He strode off to the left walked a few steps then waddled back to the right.

“I’m not “nice”? I did not negligently kill 160,000 people in six months” I snapped. “You DID”.

His hands played the invisible accordion again. We had great therapeutics. They call it “Thera-Putics.” he beamed. “The Hydro, the hydroxy-cloree...the Hydroxy. Its a great drug, you can take it, many front line workers do, they tell me all the time, and what do you have to lose? Try it. It might work. We’ll see what happens. I have a great brain for this, I really get it. The doctors tell me, they are amazed how much I get it. Then I’m told inject disinfectant. Its almost a cleaning. Does a tremendous number on the lungs...or light...inside the body...which they can do….”.

“OH FUCK OFF”. I yelled. “You utter fucking idiot. Go inject some fucking bleach yourself. Stick a torch up your arse”.

“Such a nasty man...I call you...I call you…..nasty Tim”.

“That’s one finely crafted diss, you fucking wordsmith. You must have been wracking your brain for weeks to come up with that one. And my names Jim”.

“I saved a million people, I worked really quickly and did a tremendous job. The other countries call me all the time and they cant believe it”.

“I bet they cant.”

Trump sat in the sand. He reached down and picked up a glass. “Coke...Diet Coke”.

“I told you, there’s no coke. Have some of this rainwater”.

I filled a coconut shell with water and passed it to him. He raised it a little and using two hands took a sip.

“I can drink water with one hand!” he said proudly.

“That’s amazing”, I said. “Really”?

“Nobody gives me credit” he said. “I did it a rally. A beautiful big rally. A million people came. To Tulsa. We filled the seats. It was incredible”.

“I remember,” I said. It was right in the middle of the pandemic. There were 2/3rds empty seats and you packed everyone to the front without masks”.

“And I did the West Point Graduation...Saluting our great men and women”.

“Putin put a bounty on their heads, had them killed and then you tried to get him back into the G7”.

“Nobody is tougher on Russia than Donald J Thrump” he repeated.

“I know some US History. I cant recall any person, living or dead, who has negligently killed more people than you” I said.

“Everyone is saying what a great job I did. I’d rate myself A+” Our cases are a badge of honour. Its a hoax, I’ve always known it was real, I called it a pandemic long before anyone else, we have it under control, its one person from China, we shut it down, it will work out fine, its less than 12, we have to open up schools, Easter is a special day, wouldn't it be great to have the churches full? There’ll be a lot of death.”

I stared.

“I halted funding of the WHO, they mismanaged it. The CDC is to blame. Its a very beautiful picture”

I got up and walked off.

Chapter 10

The sun was setting over the vastness of the ocean. I sat in my shelter and Thrump on his tree trunk.

“Strong. Strong and tough...so tough,” he mumbled.

I had decided not to engage him. Almost anything that I said was responded to by an avalanche of chaotic barely formed lies. Was he the actual president of the USA? It seemed impossible. He just looked like an old fat man rambling in deep confusion.

“I am Law and Order” he mumbled.

“Look. Thrump. I’m sorry for losing my patience yesterday. If we unite together then we can get through this”.

“That’s all I ever wanted” He said switching to the wheedling cringing voice. “The Do-Nothing Dems, they blocked me at every turn. They wanted to abolish the police and get rid of the military. Have open borders. I wanted to work with them, but they are the most corrupt and nasty people you have ever seen. Believe me”.

“That sounds like quite extensive and far reaching plans” I said.

“Clinton created Al Quada. So corrupt. ….and Obama...we all know what he did...”.

“I don’t”. I said, regretting it.

“OBAMAGATE. Everyone knows”.

“Genuinely I don’t. What's Obamagate”?

“Its the worst crime in our history, and nobody talks about it”.

“Talk me through it”.

“Some very bad things, nobody would believe”.

“OK, I’ll try and believe you. What’s the basics of it?”

“And nobody talks about it...the press know”.

“OK. So summarise it in a couple of sentences”.

“You’ll be hearing all about it very soon”.

“I’d rather hear now. Is there some time critical reason why you cant summarise it now? We are on a freaking island with nothing to do”.

“ Very soon”, He said. “Terrible crime” he said.

“OK. Looks like I’ll add that to the “very soon list then” I gave up.

“Criminals. They were criminals”.

I stopped weaving the new blanket from grass. “OK. Who are the criminals”?

“They were not protesters, they were ANTIFA. It was an ORGANISED mob”.

“Oh. Right. You are talking about the George Floyd murder”?

“I spoke to Georges Parents. They were very nice. What happened to him was a terrible thing, but it led to violence. I hate violence, so I sent in the H.L.D in unmarked uniforms and vans, and the National guard. They went through those reporters like butter. It was a walking in the park. I didn't have to use Ominous Weapons and Vicious Dogs. Just beating a 70 year old unarmed man into a coma was so easy and the Australian TV crew, they probably had scanners, but they went down hard. Very, very easy. Except for that old Navy guy, he took a beating and stood there but I only inspected my bunker for a few minutes”.

“It was protests following a cop publicly throttling an unresisting man for nearly eight minutes” I said.

He opened his arms.“So nobody is more compassionate than me, nobody, but you have to dominate them, dominate the battle space”. His eyes gleamed with excitement.

I saw some Thrump Supporters storming a US City's Capitol armed with semi automatic magazine fed rifles and taking it over by force. They did not get any police attending”.

“LAW AND ORDER! Those people were just expressing their views. We should listen to them.” He waved.

“But law and order is important. Shouldn't they serve time as well?”

“They could, but I think they would be treated very badly and I would commute their sentence to zero. That’s called JUSTICE. Like my good friend Roger Stone”.

“The guy who threatened to spill the beans”?

“He’s a fantastic guy, and like Ghislane Maxwell, the Paedophile, I wish him well…..I killed her husband...great guy, loads of fun to be with, great parties”.

“well” I said, “at least you remember meeting her”.

“I have one of the great memories. Of all time. Watch this….”. He turned his head and looked around. “Beach, Tree, Big wet, Coconut, Person”.

I looked at him, “Yeah OK….”.

“NOW watch! Beach...err...Tree, Big...Big Wet, Coconut…………….. Person” He smiled in triumph and tapped his head. “I have it, you know...with the cognitive”.

“You are kidding me”.

“I never kid. Like when I said slow down the testing….I never kid”.